From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…The cancer is gone.
The hoopla is gone.
The surgery pain is gone. And yet, all of these remain as shadows, hovering.
We celebrate the anniversary now of the end of chemo – not like with a party, but it’s marked on my calendar.
I thank God, the doctors, our families, our friends for their support – in my mind. Nothing spectacular, just a calm, measured reflection of what’s gone on before.
But I'd like to talk to someone who understands...You notice in the picture over there that the guys are definitely NOT talking. Posing, they are. Being strong. Supportive. Not talking.
Niggling things, like the lymphedema; forgetting to bring the sleeve rack along and having to struggle to get the compression sleeve on by hand (did that LAST summer on our ten day trip to OK!); mosquito bites that bring a bit of panic or a burn on the right hand, the one that still doesn’t drain lymph very well, staying under careful scrutiny for days to make sure it doesn’t turn into a major event; little or no contact with the cancer clinic is also bothersome.
What – don’t they care anymore? They don’t seem to…at least that what it seems like.
After recovery, after the excitement, isn’t there anything left to do? Aren’t there issues left to deal with...
Men STILL don’t talk about breast cancer.
Even after four years, when I do a search for “breast cancer husband support”, all I get is articles and books.
Talk seems to be missing – and lest you think that I should “just get out there and start a group then instead of whining about it!” I tried. I tried connecting with the cancer hospital we were at, but there WASN’T a group and no one seemed interested when I talked about it.
In the four years I’ve had this blog up, while I KNOW people stop by, I’ve never had anyone talk to me about BC and what men should do.
Like I said, there are discussions and books, but no talk.
What is it that’s so intimidating about TALKING about our wives, and partners, and lovers, and mothers, and sisters with breast cancer? Now there’s a subject for study!
Even so, Marc Silver, who wrote a book I never read, was reviewed by Library Journal. They said this: “An editor at U.S. News & World Report, Silver was a clueless as the next man when his wife, Marsha, was diagnosed. Failing to find a manual showing men how to offer the most support and care, he wrote his own. Silver gathered information from medical professionals and men in the same boat, covering every conceivable challenge to life with breast cancer (including suggestions on how to wash a woman's hair while she is wearing drains).”
That’s all great and stuff, but I still wish there were other men; men of the survivors now, that I could talk to.
Just sayin’, eh?
Resource: http://www.amazon.com/Breast-Cancer-Husband-Diagnosis-Treatment/dp/1579548334
Image: http://wrex.images.worldnow.com/images/23784252_SA.jpg
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