The older I get, the more suffering and pain
I’ve experienced; and the more of both I stand witness to. From my wife’s (and
many, many of our friends and coworkers) battle against breast cancer; to my
dad’s (and the parents of many of our friends and coworkers) process as he
fades away as this complex disease breaks the connections between more and more
memories, I have become not only frustrated with suffering, pain, and having to
watch both, I have been witness to the suffering and pain among the students I serve
as a school counselor. I have become angry and sometimes paralyzed. This is my
attempt to lift myself from the occasional stifling grief that darkens my days…
After the initial terror. After the grief. After the acceptance. After
the body pain. After you’ve watched the love of your life suffer. After you’ve watched you mother
suffer.
When you arrive at anger.
What do you do?
Blame is easiest, so it’s first. The trouble is escaping blame.
Escaping anger.
At first, you can use the anger to fight the cancer; use the anger to:
power your discipline, meet the “chores” of the doctor visits, the hospital
stays, the treatment regimen. Channel it for good – join the research, walk the
walks, bike the bikes, support others.
“Anger can range from mild irritation or frustration to rage. Some
survivors may feel angry about how cancer affected their lives. They might have
new physical, financial or emotional challenges. A certain amount of anger is
normal. Yet some survivors may need help to get past strong feelings of anger.”
Another response is to unload and ignore others so long as your own
needs are met, like this journalist: https://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/08/11/the-anger-of-cancer/
Don’t get me wrong, I viscerally understand the need to lash out and straighten
everyone out that cancer is horrible and that you’re suffering. But to make the
determination that everyone ELSE needs to suffer is irresponsible and
unhelpful. It’s incredibly easy to believe that your feelings and attitude are
superior to others; those who have no platform to tell the world exactly how
superior their position is and who everyone needs to think the same way. Who
knows how many people read this column and crashed into hopelessness?
Anger has to be transformed – NOT avoided, not dismissed, not ignored,
not flaunted as virtue.
To transform: “transfigure, convert means to change
one thing into another; suggests changing from one form, appearance, structure,
or type to another; suggests so changing the characteristics as to alter the
use or purpose: ‘to convert a barn into a house’.”
We rarely – I venture to say never – use the word transfigure in this 21st
Century, possibly because it became associated with Christianity a Biblical
event called the Transfiguration.
Wikipedia says, “The transfiguration of Jesus is a story told in the
New Testament when Jesus is transfigured and becomes radiant in glory upon a
mountain…”[Ah, yes, “a story”…they might as well have written “a
fairytale only ignorant fools believe” – me”] “…the
transfiguration is a pivotal moment, and the setting on the mountain…is the
point where human nature meets God: the meeting place of the temporal and the
eternal, with Jesus himself as the connecting point, acting as the bridge
between heaven and earth.”
Anger transfigured creates something good from something bad, reversing
a slide into hopelessness. “Nancy Brinker's life was forever changed by her
sister's battle against breast cancer. Susan Goodman Komen died at the age of
36. Founded in her memory in 1982, the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation
was born from a sister's love and a solemn promise to do something to stop
breast cancer from taking more lives…” This organization has had a profound
effect on women all over the world.
Another organization that came out of breast cancer and has had a profound,
if entirely different effect, on humanity: “Gilda's Club was founded by Joanna
Bull, Radner's cancer psychotherapist and co-founded with Radner's widower,
Gene Wilder (himself a cancer survivor) and broadcaster Joel Siegel (who died
after a long battle with the disease). Joanna Bull started the project with
just $10,000 and networked in the New York cancer support community. She became
the executive director of the first club opened in New York City in 1995, after
a long fundraising campaign that included movie trailers featuring Wilder in
theaters around the country who acted as the celebrity spokesman. The
organization took its name from Radner's comment that cancer gave her ‘membership
to an elite club I'd rather not belong to’…Gilda's Club is famous for its
signature red doors meant to symbolize Radner's ‘vibrancy’.”
Personally? I became involved with Relay For Life: “…community-based
fundraising event for the American Cancer Society and many other Cancer related
institutions, societies and associations. Each year, more than 5,000 Relay For
Life events take place in over twenty countries. Events are held in local
communities, university campuses and in virtual campaigns. As the American
Cancer Society's most successful fundraiser and the organization's signature
event, the mission of Relay For Life is to raise funds to improve cancer
survival, decrease the incidence of cancer, and improve the quality of life for
cancer patients and their caretakers.” (A note: for some reason,
someone has reported issues with the Relay for Life Wiki entry, one of which is
“relying too much on primary sources” (what should it rely one? The hearsay of
the complainer?)…so, what does Wikipedia WANT that would maintain its “encyclopedic
tone”? I wish I could add a laughing emoji as Wikipedia is so NON-encyclopedic
and IS sensationalistic, editable by anyone and everyone who has an axe to
grind and a political/philosophical agenda to promote. While Wiki is sometimes
a good place to start research, I know of NO ONE who takes it seriously…)
How do you transfigure anger? Get involved. Support your loved one. ACT,
then continue to act and perhaps don’t write essays designed to share your
anger rather than your hope.
Resources: https://ww5.komen.org/uploadedFiles/_Komen/Content/About_Breast_Cancer/Tools_and_Resources/Fact_Sheets_and_Breast_Self_Awareness_Cards/What's%20Happening%20to%20Me.pdf,
https://www.livestrong.org/we-can-help/finishing-treatment/emotions-after-cancer-treatment,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gilda%27s_Club,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relay_For_Life
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