From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…
It’s been my experience that men don’t usually care that much about their hair. It’s also been my experience that hair is VERY important to women.
That’s why the most obvious result of chemotherapy – alopecia – has such a profound impact on women and the men who love them. Women who lose their hair are OBVIOUS to everyone who looks at them. They are noticed; they stand out in public in a way a bald man will never stand out. We admire it even – Kojack, The King of Siam, Captain Jean-Luc Picard are all heroes and we don’t even notice their shiny heads. But bald cops, Queens and starship Captains would be so odd that most of us wouldn’t even remember the rest of the record, reign or voyage.
As men with wives, girlfriends and mothers who will or who have lost their hair because of breast cancer, we stand in an unusual place.
We have to be honest encouragers.
“Honey, how does this wig look on me?”
“Is the scarf the right color for my skin?”
“If I wear a baseball cap every day, will you still think I’m sexy?”
“If I don’t wear anything on my head in public, will you be embarrassed?”
The first response to each question is initially: “It looks fine, dear”, “It looks fine, dear”, “Of course I will”, “Nothing you could wear or not wear would embarrass me”.
The problem with the response is that our loved ones are our loved ones and a diagnosis of “stupid” does NOT go hand-in-hand with a diagnosis of breast cancer. They know when we are patronizing. I learned the hard way not to patronize my wife. When she asked one of the questions above, I had to take my time and think. I had to consider my answer not because I wanted to be right, but in order to battle the deep-seated desire to avoid inflicting any more pain on a person worn out from the constant fight against cancer.
So I studied her as she modeled the wig, scarf, hat or bald pate.
Honestly responding, I gave my opinion. When it was honest, it gave her FEEDBACK and while the ultimate choice was still hers, she most likely felt that my response – especially before her hair started to grow back – was honest and another data point in her effort to decide what to wear that day.
Ultimately, I could do nothing more important that to be consciously HONEST!
Images: http://i536.photobucket.com/albums/ff323/MSBrady78/charpics/picard.jpg
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