From
the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a
deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or
girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some
Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience.
Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…
This week the Wisdom
comes from: http://www.webmd.com/breast-cancer/features/mans-guide-to-breast-cancer
When I started this site, I was looking for a title for it
and stumbled across STA ND BY HER. Excited, I began to skim through the site.
When I discovered a forum, I was nearly ecstatic. I’d finally be able to talk
with other men about how they felt about breast cancer in their wives, sisters,
aunts, mothers, and friends!
Not.
The forum had been overrun by spambots. I tried it today –
and it’s dead. As a doornail. Here’s the message:
General
Error
SQL ERROR [ mysql4 ]
Unknown MySQL server host 'standbyherbbphp.db.5015781.hostedresource.com' (0) [2005]
An sql error occurred while fetching this page. Please contact an administrator if this problem persists.
Unknown MySQL server host 'standbyherbbphp.db.5015781.hostedresource.com' (0) [2005]
An sql error occurred while fetching this page. Please contact an administrator if this problem persists.
Men continue to say nothing about breast cancer and their
feelings. There is no international network. No national clearinghouse. There’s
barely state and local fora for men to talk.
Is that because men generally DON’T talk? That was the
premise of my website. Three years later, most of the men I know STILL don’t
talk. There is a man at work whose wife went through breast cancer treatment
around the same time my wife did. Do we talk? Commiserate? Share?
Nope.
Shortly before my wife was diagnosed, an old acquaintance of
mine eventually came out to an online group he ran and I participated in that
his wife had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I offered what comfort I could –
but it was a cold comfort because we hadn’t seen each other in decades. Four
months later, my wife got the diagnosis. This friend offered more than comfort –
he was THERE for me. We still hadn’t seen each other, but through him, his wife
offered support to my wife. Some time later, we met for lunch and while we
STILL didn’t talk about breast cancer and how it affected us and our wives, we
sat at the same table and simply “were” together.
The late Madeleine L’Engle once wrote, “When I am constantly
running there is no time for being. When there is no time for being, there is
no time for listening.” (Walking on Water: Reflections on Faith and Art)
I think I’m beginning to see that men are never going to
talk to each other – they find it helpful instead just to “be” with each other.
Knowing that there are others like them who struggle with their beloved women
dealing with breast cancer is, maybe, enough for most men.
John W. Anderson and me – and others – though will talk with
our computers. After all, since I started the blog, I’ve gotten nearly 16,000
hits. I figured out in my head last night as I was coming home with Chinese
food, that that is roughly ten hits a day. Who hits the site? No idea; there
have only been 16 comments. *shrug* I am not only resigned to that now, I’m actually
OK with it. I may never know if I helped anyone by doing this site – but now I
understand that just BEING here may help some.
And that’s OK with me.
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