From the first moment my wife discovered
she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even
ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have
received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than
mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started
this blog…That was four years ago – as time passed, people searching for
answers stumbled across my blog and checked out what I had to say. The
following entry appeared in April of 2014.
When I started
this site, I was looking for a title for it and stumbled across STA ND BY HER.
Excited, I began to skim through the site. When I discovered a forum, I was
nearly ecstatic. I’d finally be able to talk with other men about how they felt
about breast cancer in their wives, sisters, aunts, mothers, and friends!
Not.
The forum had been
overrun by spambots. I tried it today – and it’s dead. As a doornail. Here’s
the message:
General
Error
SQL ERROR [ mysql4 ]
Unknown MySQL server host 'standbyherbbphp.db.5015781.hostedresource.com' (0) [2005]
An sql error occurred while fetching this page. Please contact an administrator if this problem persists.
Unknown MySQL server host 'standbyherbbphp.db.5015781.hostedresource.com' (0) [2005]
An sql error occurred while fetching this page. Please contact an administrator if this problem persists.
Men continue to
say nothing about breast cancer and their feelings. There is no international
network. No national clearinghouse. There’s barely state and local fora for men
to talk.
Is that because
men generally DON’T talk? That was the premise of my website. Three years
later, most of the men I know STILL don’t talk. There is a man at work whose
wife went through breast cancer treatment around the same time my wife did. Do
we talk? Commiserate? Share?
Nope.
Shortly before my
wife was diagnosed, an old acquaintance of mine eventually came out to an
online group he ran and I participated in that his wife had been diagnosed with
breast cancer. I offered what comfort I could – but it was a cold comfort
because we hadn’t seen each other in decades. Four months later, my wife got
the diagnosis. This friend offered more than comfort – he was THERE for me. We
still hadn’t seen each other, but through him, his wife offered support to my
wife. Some time later, we met for lunch and while we STILL didn’t talk about
breast cancer and how it affected us and our wives, we sat at the same table
and simply “were” together.
The late Madeleine
L’Engle once wrote, “When I am constantly running there is no time for being.
When there is no time for being, there is no time for listening.” (Walking on
Water: Reflections on Faith and Art)
I think I’m
beginning to see that men are never going to talk to each other – they find it
helpful instead just to “be” with each other. Knowing that there are others
like them who struggle with their beloved women dealing with breast cancer is,
maybe, enough for most men.
John W. Anderson
and me – and others – though will talk with our computers. After all, since I
started the blog, I’ve gotten nearly 16,000 hits. I figured out in my head last
night as I was coming home with Chinese food, that that is roughly ten hits a
day. Who hits the site? No idea; there have only been 16 comments. *shrug* I am
not only resigned to that now, I’m actually OK with it. I may never know if I
helped anyone by doing this site – but now I understand that just BEING here
may help some.
And that’s OK with
me.
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