From the first moment my wife discovered she
had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones
whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a
gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble
about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…That
was four years ago – as time passed, people searching for answers stumbled across
my blog and checked out what I had to say. The following entry first appeared in
August of 2014.
When I started
this blog, my wife’s breast cancer diagnosis was at the forefront of both mind
and effort. Every waking moment was a slog through pre and post op
appointments, chemotherapy, recovery, worry, and such a bewildering and
blinding flood of light, that likening it to being struck by lightning is an
apt metaphor.
Everything we had
and did was focused solely on treating the cancer and recovery, but on
recovering our “old life”; we found it had morphed into learning to live with a new
normal; which became coping with the aftermath, which has finally segued into
“life”.
My wife will NEVER
be the person she was “before” she was diagnosed with breast cancer in March of
2011. That was nearly nine years – and 436 blog entries – ago.
My intent
broadened from the week-to-week challenges she faced following the diagnosis.
I’ve learned more than I ever imagined I could about breast cancer, and along
the ways watched as various people I love and care for – including myself –
felt the cold touch of cancer on their lives.
It’s funny, when I
first started the blog, I wanted to call it Breast Cancer Reaper, and had
chosen this picture for it: http://img0.etsystatic.com/il_170x135.112225675.jpg
As cute and
expressive as it was, and while that remains the name of my URL, I backed off
to my Guy’s Gotta Talk About title. As time went on, my wife moved from
surgical recovery, to chemotherapy, to living with the end results of chemo, to
the brutal discovery of lymphedema. That struggle still haunts us. Cancer still
haunts us, though I don’t know anyone who is currently struggling with the
initial stages. We’ve joined Relay For Life in the school district in which I
work, and I spoke during one of those events.
But life continues
to move forward and new challenges rear up from unexpected places. Alzheimer’s
in my dad is one of my deepest concerns now.
My problem is that
I have too many foci at this time and I’ve LOST focus on what’s most important:
my wife.
That’s something
I’ve only discovered in the past week, much to my terror and shame. So…what do
I do?
Shift the focus
back to where it should be: the love of my life. My wife.
Sorry, love.
Please accept my heart again, which you’ve never once relinquished. I will take
yours back and put it back to where it belongs – next to mine.
I WILL.
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