The older I get, the more suffering and pain
I’ve experienced; and the more of both I stand witness to. From my wife’s (and
many, many of our friends and coworkers) battle against breast cancer; to my
dad’s (and the parents of many of our friends and coworkers) process as he
fades away as this complex disease breaks the connections between more and more
memories, I have become not only frustrated with suffering, pain, and having to
watch both, I have been witness to the suffering and pain among the students I serve
as a school counselor. I have become angry and sometimes paralyzed. This is my
attempt to lift myself from the occasional stifling grief that darkens my days…
Sometimes encouraging someone requires us to close our mouth, sit down,
and just BE with them.
When my wife went in for her double mastectomy and after all of the
chatty words, most of the time was spent in silence, waiting. When my daughter
had a fluid-filled cyst removed right after she got pregnant, our little group
in the waiting room bantered for a while, but after hours had passed, we simply
fell into silence. It wasn’t an UNCOMFORTABLE silence; it was, if I may be so bold,
an expectant silence.
The Bible has three specific instances where monumental events fell
into simple, companionable silence.
In Job 2:11-13, his friends hear of his suffering and show up for him, “ Now
when Job’s three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him…they
made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort
him. When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and
did not recognize him…they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and
seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain
was very great.”
In Exodus 2:1-4, Moses’ sister kept silent watch over him after his
mother released him to God, “Now a man from the house of Levi went and married
a daughter of Levi. The woman conceived and bore a son; and when she saw that
he was beautiful, she hid him for three months. But when she could hide him no
longer, she got him a wicker basket and covered it over with tar and pitch.
Then she put the child into it and set it among the reeds by the bank of the
Nile. His sister stood at a distance to find out what would happen to him.”
In Luke 10:38-42, “Now as they were traveling along, He entered a
village; and a woman named Martha welcomed Him into her home. She had a sister
called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. But
Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and
said, ‘Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving
alone? Then tell her to help me.’ But the Lord answered and said to her, ‘Martha,
Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing
is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away
from her.’”
There is also good psychology behind the importance of “just being
there” as a form of encouragement. Among the reasons, “it’s more relaxing for
your body and brain than listening to music – as measured by a lowering of
blood pressure and increased blood flow to the brain.” As well, “Lowering
sensory input helps us to restore our cognitive resources. We stop feeling
overwhelmed…When we allow ourselves this quiet reflective time we find that, as
Herman Melville wrote, ‘All profound things and emotion of things are proceeded
and attended by silence.’”
A quote attributed to Abraham Lincoln notes that it is “‘Better to
remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.’ This
last point is that we need to learn that silence is often the best strategy not
only for ourselves but for others, too.”
Sometimes, just being silent doesn’t FEEL like you’re being helpful,
but I can attest that there are times when I just wanted the people around me
to stay close and just “be with me”; the best of my friends knew that.
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