BREAST CANCER WISDOM 4: From Others and From Life Here…

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

There AREN’T ANY BLOGS BY MEN, FOR MEN.

Does what I am trying to do here – pass on information, hope, and experiences.

I took another pass through the blogs the involve men – husbands, brothers, boyfriends, friends – of women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was unsurprised to find few current, regular sites. Of the two I did find (both listed below), one is the home site for a foundation – which is good, but impersonal; the other is the advertising site for a former writer for US News and World Report and a current National Geographic editor – which is fine, but while urging me to “buy the book”, offers little in the way of current interaction. (The message board has been “coming soon” for at least a year – when I first visited the site).

This one’s dead: http://www.breastcancerforhusbands.com/ and hasn’t been maintained since 2009.

And so I come back to me. I’ve worked hard to keep this up to date and positive. My readership has grown steadily and while I rarely get comments, I know people are reading the articles. I just don’t know WHO is reading them.

At any rate, I can still share words of encouragement from men whose women have been diagnosed with breast cancer:

“Even though many publishers told me that ‘men don't buy self-help books,’ I was sure this was one book that guys would buy–and if they didn't, their wives would buy it for them.” – Marc Silver (New York)

“‘I tried to stay positive so I didn’t add to her stress,’ says Dan Wackershauser, 37, a communications specialist at the University of Wisconsin-Platteville. ‘My focus was to get her better.’” (Wisconsin)

“I shared with my new breast cancer husband friend a verse I find strengthening and inspiring, Hebrews 4:16, ‘Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.’” – Mitchell (his site hasn’t been updated since 2009)

“We felt our family and friends didn’t understand how serious things had become…I started making these photos, because we felt people needed to see…The words weren’t working.” – Angelo Merendino (New York)

“‘From a male's point of view, all you want to do is fix it,’ he says, supporting the release of a National Breast Cancer Foundation report on a gap in resources and support for male partners of women living with breast cancer.” – Brian Brady (Australia)

“Thankful that he caught his cancer early, Mr. Bush is now raising awareness in his local church community about the importance of checking for symptoms. ‘Men need to know. It's not just a woman's disease. This is now my mission,’ he said.” – Ron Bush (South Carolina)

“It is often said that good things come from bad situations. I can endorse this wholeheartedly. From the moment I realised that Ann’s life was potentially at risk, my emotions ran riot, but most importantly, I realised just how much Ann means to me. It’s an old cliché but people do take relationships and life for granted, and, although not welcome, this was a wake up call for us. My attitude to life and in particular life with Ann has been brought back into focus. I have learnt much about myself, mostly good, and have seen Ann in a completely different light. I admire her strength, courage and honesty in dealing with this crisis. Her attitude has made it easier in some ways for me to deal with. My role in supporting Ann through the coming treatments is clear and uncompromising.” – Barry Hyde (United Kingdom)

All good stuff. All powerful words and images…but still no blogs…

I will continue my search.

Resources: http://www.menagainstbreastcancer.org/,  http://www.nextavenue.org/article/2012-07/how-be-good-husband-when-your-wife-has-breast-cancer, http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/04/08/husband-documents-wife-battle-with-cancer-through-stunning-photo-series/#ixzz2cDpi3wrRhttp://www.breastcancerhusband.com/, http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health-fitness/husband-shares-breast-cancer-journey/story-fneuzlbd-1226669861145#ixzz2cE6ziM4R, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2325720/Meet-husband-battled-breast-cancer-alongside-wife--HE-undergo-mastectomy.html#ixzz2cE8MkNB6, http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/cancer-help/coping-with-cancer/tips/emotionally/breast-cancer-a-husbands-perspective
Image: http://topnews.ae/images/Paul-Cross63.jpg

A Fantastic Cancer Voyage Chapter 2 I

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

One of my fondest memories as a kid is watching the movie FANTASTIC VOYAGE. In it, a group of scientists and their ultra-futuristic laser-packing “submarine” are reduced to cell size and injected into the blood vessels of a world diplomat in order to destroy a blood clot in his brain.

What would a FANTASTIC VOYAGE: Breast Cancer look like? I’m going to write a novel here, short chapter by short chapter and I’m going to include the latest research and I’m going to imagine the entire story here for your delectation. If you want to start at the beginning, look left. Scroll down to LABELS. The first one is “A Fantastic Cancer Voyage”. Click on it. Scroll to the bottom and you will find episode on. Let me know what you think after you’ve read the whole thing!

Dr. Nwagbara looked up, clearing the virtual work screen that had been shielding her from having to talk to the Reverend Isamar Noor directly. The blackest man she’d ever met, he was an Ethiopian Jewish convert first to Islam as a boy – in order to fight against Somali terrorists – then to Christianity at a London research hospital where he’d had his lost leg replaced by an experimental “living” prosthetic. He’d completed his first degree there, then transferred to Weill Cornell Medical College in Rehabilitative Medicine.

He was now an evangelist to secular Americans – as well as a poster boy for the prosthetic surgery. He was intelligent, persuasive – uncommonly charming when he felt like it – and did a wildly popular weekly podcast explaining science to the masses. He was the bane of her existence both personal and professional.

Ohloo glared at him now and said, “What do you mean, ‘...if Kim Lin Ghandi is the incarnation of Anti-Christ and you help her  live, you may very well be labeled the Great Whore of Babylon.’?”

He shrugged broad shoulders. “Since the resurgence of faith in the States – faith separate from politics, I might add,” he paused and she granted him a nod. THAT split had been welcome. “I have tried to be realistic in my explanation of the limitations of science as it has an impact on everyday life.” He paused, she nodded again. He had done some good for America. But... “But I am not the only one to find the religious mumbo jumbo espoused by this woman to be offensive. How is it she feels she can merge the Hindu faith with

Ohloo looked at him and said, “Do you know the origin of that phrase?”

He started. “What phrase?”

“‘mumbo jumbo’.”

“I don’t see how...”

“Of course you don’t – sometimes, Dr. Noor, you toss around phrases you haven’t really dug into,” she said, smiling to take the edge off her jibe.

“It’s not...”

“It’s very relevant.” Ohloo stood up and strode around her desk then to the window as solitary snowflakes fell beyond, drifting slowly from a leaden sky. She said, “During the latter part of the eighteenth century, a wealthy Scotsman name Mungo Park was ‘exploring’ western Africa, specifically the Niger River. Along the way, he came into contact with the Mandingo people and in addition to learning their language, recorded his explorations in a book called  Travels in the Interior of Africa. In it, he came across the practice of the men of the Mandingo tribe solving intractable domestic problems. While later writers made it seem like the men used the Maamajomboo to keep the women under control. Recently, his lost journal was discovered in the keeping of the monks of an obscure African Catholic monastery. In it, Park talks about the diversity of work performed by the masked dancer who took part in religious ceremonies. He describes Maamajomboo – the same one later writers butchered into the phrase ‘Mumbo Jumbo’ – as a character, complete with “masquerade habit” as a complex cross between a marriage counselor, a judge and a sheriff.” Ohloo paused, but Reverend Noor watched her, now captured by the vision. “You should read it. The third to the last entry held what became the title, An End To Travels in the Interior of Africa and the Failure to Find the End of the Niger. It’s illuminating.”

“What does it have to do with your anti-Christ?”

Ohloo snorted and said, “Nothing.” He lifted his chin as if to say that he knew it, but she continued, “and everything. She’s the one who can mediate between Beijing and New Delhi – and you confirmed it, my dear Spirit-led preacher. Without you even knowing it, God has spoken through you and rather than crushing my belief, He has confirmed it. Kim Lin Anzan Ghandi will mediate this domestic dispute.”

“I hardly think the threat of thermonuclear war is a ‘domestic dispute’!”

Ohloo shrugged, “Compared to the greater universe – whether you are an atheist or a Muslim or Christian or Jew – our little arguments are domestic, not matter how big they appear to us. If New Delhi and Beijing nuked each other, from orbit you wouldn’t be able to tell.” She paused, tapping the cold glass of the window. “I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not let us come to that.” She turned to face the Reverend Noor, “I’m going to do everything in my power to save this woman who has a better-than-even chance of being instrumental in averting war. If that means that I risk being called the ‘Great Whore of Babylon’ or if the Jews think Christianity is the ‘Great Whore’ or Islam thinks the United States is the ‘Great Whore’ – I’m going to do it because,” she turned back to the window and tapped it, “Despite the weather, I’m rather fond of this world.”

She returned to her desk, ignoring the Reverend Noor – whom Alex called The Crackpot – and replaced her virtual work screen, enlarging it and making it opaque. She worked for half an hour, working hard not to look when the chair creaked but her office door didn’t open. After another half an hour, he cleared his throat.

Image: http://medgadget.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/Fantastic-Voyage-200x290.jpg

The Wicked Witch of the West Is DEAD! – Thoughts On Continuing Life As A Breast Cancer Husband

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

We started celebrating our 26^th wedding anniversary this past week.

“Started celebrating” because as a teacher, my paycheck runs out at the end of the summer, a few weeks before we start work again. This has been true for the past 26 years just as it is true this year.

Because of that, we’ve never had what you’d call a “spectacular” anniversary. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve had many GOOD times! Went to a local dinner theater last year to see the musical XANADU; did a “blockbuster movie” watch the year APOLLO 13 and EXCALIBUR came out topped with supper at the then brand new local Champps. For another we spent a night at a Bed & Breakfast in Stillwater. This year my wife had a quiet day at home while I hurried north to pick up my daughter-in-law and grandkids to ferry them to a doctor appointment – my granddaughter had pneumonia. We had takeout that night from our favorite Chinese restaurant and watched OZ THE GREAT AND POWERFUL. The addition though is that with some old and dear friends of ours, we’ll be spending the Thanksgiving holidays in Wild Eagle, Wisconsin at a resort for a week! That will allow us to celebrate in the style we should have been celebrating all along.

So what does all this have to do with breast cancer?

While it may not be obvious to you, it is to me: we get to celebrate our 26^th wedding anniversary two and (almost) a half years after a breast cancer diagnosis! In 1911 the diagnosis would have been a death sentence. In 1961, she would have been treated with “stone knives and bearskins” with drugs that would have made her violently ill and miserable – and probably wouldn’t have made much difference at all.

Here in the second decade of the 21^st Century, the treatments she received and continues to receive cured her of the cancer and have given us a chance to celebrate...well, when I exclaimed that we could be together for another 26 years, my wife pointed out that I would 90 years old by then. Hmmm...I guess if that’s God’s plan, then so be it. But 90? Whew – that DOES seem old.

At any rate, in the here and now, the point is that we’re planning an extended celebration of our 26^th Wedding Anniversary and those plans rest firmly on the basis of the pain, treatments, research, advances, and drug regimens my wife has experienced since the original diagnosis.

So “...let the joyous news be spread, the Wicked Old Witch at last is dead!” (And no, I DON’T mean the Wicked Witch of the East with the Ruby Slippers – I mean the melted remains of her sister – the Wicked Witch of the Cancerous West!)

Let the celebration continue!

Image: http://www.scene-stealers.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/011-The-Wizard-of-Oz-1939-Dorthy-Says-Goodbye-to-the-Emerald-City.jpg

The Reconstruction Era – Part 5

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

“It appears that the next event is breast reconstruction!”

What I have discovered is that “reconstruction” is an ongoing process. Like The South after the Civil  War, which took many years to recover, my wife is slowly recovering from the surgery, chemotherapy – and now the initial surgery to put in the spacers.

As I’ve documented before, THAT surgery necessitated a few nights of sheer agony, followed by several weeks of rebuilding strength and then regular injections of saline solution in order to stretch the skin so that the ACTUAL implants could be placed some time in November or December.

We are now at some two years and four months after the initial double mastectomy.

Reconstruction in The South took anywhere from twelve to fourteen to “it’s not done yet”…

How long will breast reconstruction last?

Not forever, that’s for certain! There are already signs that things are proceeding apace. After a “triple fill” of saline in the expanders, the increase in size is noticeable and while there’s quite a bit of soreness and tenderness and an obvious sense of stretching involved, there is also a sense of “completion” that I’ve noticed as well.

While we never stopped “winking and butt tweaking” during this time, the winking is now proceeding to raising eyebrows. There’s a sense of a return to normalcy. While doctor visits will be something that will last “forever” as blood tests and other tests will be a part of the new normal, dealing with the after effects of breast cancer have become integrated into life rather than something that happens in panic mode or has to be considered carefully.

While I loathe the path we’ve had to take to get here, I love the fact that we are NOW here

 

Image: http://www.pmtcorp.com/images/breast_expander019.jpg

BREAST CANCER RESEARCH RIGHT NOW! 12: And FINALLY Some Good News!

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

 

Every month, I’ll be highlighting breast cancer research that is going on RIGHT NOW! Harvested from different websites, journals and podcasts, I’ll translate them into understandable English and share them with you. Today: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/04/130425091345.htm (Yeah, I know, this seems to be the site that highlights cutting edge breast cancer research – there’s SO much more there, you should put it on your Favorites Bar and check it often! If you don’t get something, I CAN translate (BS in biology, 33 years of experience teaching science of all sorts, to kids of all sorts…from astronomy to zoology. I CAN help!)

 

As they said in the old Monty Python and His Flying Circus, “And now for something completely different.”

It sounds like a “joke” – and I’m sure there are mitigating circumstances – but the headline says it all!

COFFEE MAY HELP PREVENT BREAST  CANCER RETURNING, STUDY FINDS!

The data are there. They echo similar studies reported in 2011 – though that study cautioned: “We suggest that this may have something to do with the way the coffee was prepared, or the type of bean preferred. It is unlikely that the protective effect is due to phytoestrogens present in coffee since there was no reduction in the incidence of ER-positive cancer in this study.

"So while it is evident that coffee may have beneficial effects in protecting women from ER negative breast cancer the exact mechanism and compounds involved are not yet clear and not all types of coffee are the same.”

While this will probably make the people who read it smile and shake their heads (that’s what I did), I wonder if my reaction to this news is a comment on the depth of my sadness when it comes to thinking about breast cancer. Do I ask myself, “How can anything as fun as a cup of coffee be a good against something as horrendous as breast cancer?”

Maybe I could lighten up a bit on myself, eh?

In A GRIEF OBSERVED (a book by CS Lewis I commented on in this post: http://breastcancerreaper.blogspot.com/2013/07/random-thoughts-on-breast-cancer.html), he says, “The best is perhaps what we understand the least.”

Coffee helps prevent breast cancer’s return? I don’t understand it. Neither do the researchers –but let’s toast it joyfully anyway – with coffee cups!

 

Image: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_648/1321891896tSWMUy.jpg

Random Thoughts On Breast Cancer, Reconstructive Surgery, Pain, and Suffering

I am a huge fan of CS Lewis, the Christian apologetics writer – I even consider myself an armchair-expert as I’ve read almost everything that he has written. Beyond The Chronicles of Narnia and The Space Trilogy, Lewis wrote literary criticism as well as deeply literary works like Till We Have Faces (a retelling of the myth of Psyche and Cupid).

 

He also wrote about pain and loss. The Problem of Pain (“in which he seeks to provide an intellectual Christian response to questions about suffering”) was written in 1940, long before he experienced the deepest of pains and loss – his wife (albeit briefly – a civil marriage in 1956 (they lived apart and it kept her and her sons from being kicked out of England when their visas expired) and a Christian marriage a year later) died of breast cancer that had metastasized into bone cancer in 1960 and he wrote the book, A Grief Observed from four notebooks he’d kept while Joy was dying, in 1961, publishing it anonymously.

 

I realize now that I have been wallowing in grief ever since the initial diagnosis. I have turned away from God. I have gorged myself until I was fatter than I had ever been in my life. The reconstructive surgery didn’t help – I felt a deep guilt at her getting it – and suffering – “for my sake”.

 

As I said, I am a fan of CS Lewis. I have tried reading the Bible and have repeatedly failed.

 

I only discovered a few moments ago that Joy Davidman not only died because of undiagnosed breast cancer, she died from metastatic bone cancer. Lewis knew all this; suffered all of this – and yet took his anger out, took his suffering out, wrote out his pain…so that people like me could BENEFIT from his own suffering. It is NOT the same suffering that his wife went through. Mine is NOT the same suffering that my wife has gone through.

 

It is as different as puppies and oranges.

 

Yet it is related on a deeper level. While oranges are fruit of plants and puppies are young of dogs, both carry the future of the species. Both spring from DNA. Different but related.

 

While my wife has dealt with her suffering and grief, I have not. I have let it fester and stink and grow until I feel like a puffball – ready to explode with a black cloud of poisonous spores.

 

I finally read some quotes from Lewis, from both the Problem Of Pain and A Grief Observed. While I don’t think I am “cured”, I may have finally found a way to grab hold of my anger, pain, and grief. I’ll keep you posted. Below you’ll find some of the very best of what CS Lewis had to say as his new wife suffered through the final stages of breast and bone cancer.

 

"A man can no more diminish God's glory by refusing to worship Him than a lunatic can put out the sun by scribbling the word 'darkness' on the walls of his cell." ― The Problem of Pain

 

"When pain is to be borne, a little courage helps more than much knowledge, a little human sympathy more than much courage, and the least tincture of the love of God more than all." ― The Problem of Pain

 

"Now God, who has made us, knows what we are and that our happiness lies in Him." ―The Problem of Pain

 

"Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac?" ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down." ― A Grief Observed

 

"Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like.’ Deceive yourself no longer." ― A Grief Observed

 

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask - half our great theological and metaphysical problems - are like that." ― A Grief Observed

 

"For in grief nothing 'stays put.' One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?" ― A Grief Observed

 

Image: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/1/12/Puffball_fungai.jpg

BREAST CANCER WISDOM 3: From Others and From Life Here…

From the first moment my wife discovered she had breast cancer, there was a deafening silence from the men I know. Even ones whose wives, mothers or girlfriends had breast cancer seemed to have received a gag order from some Central Cancer Command and did little more than mumble about the experience. Not one to shut up for any known reason, I started this blog…

 

This blog:

 

http://susielindau.com/2013/07/03/the-boob-report-a-sticky-situation/

 

does the same thing I do here – but SHE’S the one who is writing the blog.

 

Note that she is a woman. I STILL can’t find any blogs written by MEN. I think that’s sad. Maybe even criminal. Even so, of the fifteen comments, most of the comments are from women – I can’t tell the gender of the viewers, but I DO know that I’ve had 9500 views. ALL of them can’t be women – so why don’t the men leave comments?

 

Susie Lindau’s blog is one more tool in dealing with breast cancer!

 

Images: https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/p480x480/320438_531510913573687_1106716267_n.png