Encouragement (In Suffering, Pain, and Witnessing Both…) #20: What do I say to others who are diagnosed with breast cancer?

The older I get, the more suffering and pain I’ve experienced; and the more of both I stand witness to. From my wife’s (and many, many of our friends and coworkers) battle against breast cancer; to my dad’s (and the parents of many of our friends and coworkers) process as he fades away as this complex disease breaks the connections between more and more memories, I have become not only frustrated with suffering, pain, and having to watch both, I have been witness to the suffering and pain among the students I serve as a school counselor. I have become angry and sometimes paralyzed. This is my attempt to lift myself from the occasional stifling grief that darkens my days…

The one thing you can say to someone who has had the world-shattering diagnosis of breast cancer (or any cancer in fact), is guaranteed to be the right thing to say, no matter what, no matter your relationship with that person.

That “magic phrase” is to say…nothing.

The magic has never been in your words, the magic has ALWAYS been in your presence in their lives. For me? Words have always failed when a friend, relative, or a loved one hears that blood-chilling sentence, “I’m sorry, but based on our tests, the tumor we found is cancerous…”

The doctor typically keeps on talking; how early they caught it, how many treatments are available, how good science has gotten in dealing with it, how your friends will rally around you…the victim is deaf to any words after those fateful thirteen words.

You can BE with them. Comforting words are just that – compressed energy waves that travel through the air until they reach the eardrum and set it to vibrating, creating electric currents that reach the eardrum and vibrate creating MORE electric currents that go to the brain, where they’re interpreted as words…

Being with them is a TACTILE sensation. You are solid in a world that has suddenly turned upside down.

From the American Cancer Society, “Some people worry about what to say when a person with cancer talks or asks about dying. Listen to them and be open and honest…There are no magic words for a person who is dying, but often your presence and support goes a long way.”

Specific to breast cancer? Nothing in particular, but Healthline offers this, “You may think that if a friend is telling you they have breast cancer that they want to talk about the diagnosis. The truth is, they may not. They may just be letting you know.” So, be sensitive. LISTEN. That’s so important when you’re with someone who has a BC diagnosis. What they REALLY DON’T WANT TO HEAR is “encouraging stories”! They don’t want to know that your great aunt had breast cancer and beat it. The ONLY time you can share particulars (MEN, pay attention!) is if you, yourself are a breast cancer survivor.

Even then, ask if they want to talk. If it’s early in the diagnosis, they’re hearing from doctors and clinics and hospitals and programs…until they’re ready to puke. They may just want SILENCE. Your wife/girlfriend/lover may just want to put her head on your shoulder. For a while. For hours. They may just want to be held. ASK. But be there.

BE THERE! Cedar-Sinai's Samuel Oschin Comprehensive Cancer Institute, writes, “I see it every day. People who have a great caregiver in their lives generally get through treatment better than patients who are more isolated. In fact, there's evidence that chronic loneliness can worsen outcomes. Women who don't have strong social ties, or who lack the support of a partner, have a higher risk of recurrence and poorer survival rates.”

BE THERE, even if you have to force yourself to keep your mouth shut. Do it.

Resources: https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers/when-someone-you-know-has-cancer.html#:~:text=Listen%20to%20them%20and%20be,support%20goes%20a%20long%20way., https://www.healthline.com/health/expert-tips-talk-to-friend-with-breast-cancer#what-to-say, https://www.cedars-sinai.org/blog/woman-life-breast-cancer.html
Image: http://www.quoteambition.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/04/encourage-quotes-destiny.jpg